Thursday, February 23, 2012

I Hate People With Gluten Allergies

Don't get your wheatgrass in a twist, I don't actually hate anyone. I am actually full of Christ-like love for all mankind but goodness do they make it hard. Hate is just a perfect word for blogs and the blazing sensation I get for people when I'm at work.

This is a continuation of my blog "I Don't Care About Your Stupid Diet."

Gluten. Everybody and their dog is allergic to gluten. Where did this come from? Did gluten not exist before 2008? I respect that scientists and doctors learn new information everyday but you would think that the gluten epidemic would have been discovered ages ago. "Does this have any gluten in it? If I have gluten I just might die." I'm sorry, but if gluten is something that could kill you not only would you already be dead (since I know you just found out you have a "gluten allergy" last year), I would also put the burden on you to know what foods have gluten in them before you put them in your mouth. I have no idea.

Ok, fine, I have an idea. Now. I had a general idea what gluten was before the massive, never-ending stampede of sensitive digestive tracts started plowing into my restaurant, but I certainly wasn’t aware of every single food product that has gluten in it. IT'S JUST NOT MY JOB. I get paid minimum wage (in some states below minimum wage) to generally know the recipes of menu items and serve them to people. I should not be required to study nutritional therapy for celiac and Crohn’s disease patients. I'm sorry. Maybe I would care more if people cared more about tipping…

I really just hate people with gluten allergies. And I’m not just being mean, I have viable reasons. They are always attitudinal (because everything worth eating has gluten in it) and they not only expect you to know all about their health condition i.e. personal problem, they also demand you worship them for it as if they were a bald, prescient 7-year-old with leukemia. You have weak intestines, that’s all. Your body is not being ravaged by a malevolent, debilitating cancer or disfiguring virus…you just can’t eat bread and other goodies. You get a little sympathy but certainly no martyrdom. Chill out, be nice and don’t bite my head off when I’m not sure if something has gluten in it. I’m also not sure if my head has gluten in it either so beware.

The gluten-free movement has forged way too much space for any idiot, hypochondriac, or Manchausen suspect to get a tummy ache and diagnose themselves with gluten intolerance. Now my tables are being clogged with every Tom, Dick, and Mary that has a little gas insisting it is my ordained duty to be their gluten police.

Another reason I don’t like gluten free allergics is because 90% of them are faking it. Yep, that’s right. I live in Los Angeles where everyone’s number one goal is be thinner. Therefore a diet that consists of not eating bread, cookies, cakes, pasta, fried food, chips, beer, etc., is perfect for the general LA population of rabid skinny jeans aspirants. These flagrant counterfeiters pretend like they’re suffering victims of a relatively painful disorder and bark demands for their own gluten-free menus only to fit into their whorish club attire better. Some of these cons fake it to treat their low self esteems and low intelligence quotients in effort to feel important and clever. "I have a gluten allergy. Name every single thing on your menu with gluten in it and then I'm going to debate you so I can feel superior and prove just how stupid you are."

I served one of these people the other day, a woman; we'll call her "Bitch," who yelled at me because I wasn't sure whether there were "traces" of barley in what she wanted to order. The manager had no idea either. How should we know if there are "traces" of barley? We know barley is not in the recipe but cannot guarantee there are no traces. She wouldn't take "cannot guarantee" for an answer and instead of simply ordering something else, proceeded to have a temper tantrum, vehemently expecting us to call the food distributors or someone, anyone to find the answer at eight o'clock at night. Called us stupid and unqualified. Verbatim. Bitch was HEINOUS.

There was a man who desperately wanted to order an item that had wheat in it. It was pre-prepared so it could not be made gluten free. Horns literally grew out of this man's forehead. I saw the Anti-Christ in the flesh. He growled,  

"What the hell do you mean you can't make it gluten-free? What kind of place is this? You don't cater to all the millions of people that are gluten-free?!" 

"Beside the fact that we don't actually serve millions of people, sir, we actually do cater to gluten-free guests. We care deeply about the dietary needs of all of our guests; it is just that this particular item cannot be made gluten-free; it is pre-made."

"I got it gluten-free last time."

"No, I'm so sorry, but you didn't, sir. Unfortunately, you are mistaken since that item cannot be made gluten-free. I am very sorry for any confusion," 

I hate it when people tell a bold-faced lie and claim they got something last time when there is no possibility that could ever happen. He asked for the manager who repeated the same information, cursed him out, and then ordered the item anyway. He slopped the meal down like it was his last meal before mounting the monumental task of destroying the world. Gluten allergy my foot. 

I can tell an honest person with a real gluten allergy because they know what the heck they're doing. They don't act hoity-toity and don't ask stupid questions. They don't wear their allergy like one of those sad backless hospital gowns. It's not an artifice for sympathy, individualism, or a ploy for self-gratification; it's merely a personal circumstance they live with. No pretense, attitude or assumptions. I am happy to help people with genuine questions and concerns that don't treat me like an incompetent when I can't alleviate their private struggle by knowing the ins and outs of their condition or don't have any options for them to eat. Those are the people I can't stand and who deserve a nice gorging at The Olive Garden...

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