Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I Hate Young Hollywood

Anne Hathaway, Emma Stone, Channing Tatum, Miley Cyrus, Jessica Biel, Seth Rogen, Robert Pattinson, Emma Roberts, both Hemsworths, Michelle Williams, Sam Worthington, Ashton Kutcher, Blake Lively, Jonah Hill, Andrew Garfield, Lea Michele, and the entire cast of 90210 all have something in common: I hate them.

I used to completely enjoy watching trailers until beloved movies, books, and TV shows from my childhood began being raped by uninspired, idiotic Hollywood producers and bad, nepostistic young "actors." These so-called actors are shamelessly being shoved down our throats and labeled as stars. These people have no talent, no real training or experience in true performance art (i.e. theater) and are barely even good looking. Hollywood is a far cry from the golden age of cinema when not only did you have to have amazing unique talent, charisma and personality, but you also had to be naturally gorgeous. Plus, it was the beginnings of Hollywood so you could not entirely depend on your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, or siblings to hand you a career.

This particular blog was inspired by a compilation of a lot of bad movies that have come out recently, but most acute was seeing the new "Total Recall" preview. Now, the original "TR" was absolutely terrible, but it's a cult classic and one of my favorite awesomely bad flicks. Do not destroy the beauty and grandeur of an awesomely bad movie! You can't remake perfect awfulness. And you certainly cannot and should not take an awesomely bad movie and 20 years later make another, more serious version of it. That's LAME. The remake stars Colin Farrell (whom I love even though he's been slipping lately), Kate Beckinsale (beautiful but so boring) and Jessica Biel (BLECH, queen of the white primates). I in no way mean to sound harsh with that last comment about Miss Biel. Every person resembles some animal and I think any observant person with a pair of eyes would agree that the animal Jessica Biel most resembles is an ape, albeit a very pretty one. These two actresses are the main reasons why I will not be going to see this movie, despite the fact that I totally would under normal circumstances. Watch the new Total Recall trailer here:

I am not being unduly negative or mean-spirited when I say that I hate these actors. I am sure a couple of them are fine people. I don't hate them personally, I hate them professionally; I hate their movies and what they as "stars" are and will be doing to the future of cinema. They and the people that employ them are ruining my precious childhood memories and destroying the names of several old movies. The "talent" or "art" that these people have to offer is minimal and they should be embarrassed to work in film. I pity them because it is not their faults; some producer or casting director or agent should have stepped in somewhere along the line and stopped them from ever reaching the statuses that they have reached but Hollywood's lifeblood is nepotism so we're all stuck with many of them regardless. The movie industry spends millions of dollars to brainwash us into liking these people by putting the same collection of vapid no-talents in every movie, then nominating them for increasingly meaningless awards. They fool a great many pedestrian movie-goer, but the population of talented (and admittedly jealous) struggling actors out here know better. We don't like our undeserving competition. And here's why:

*Anne Hathaway:
This is NOT Catwoman
She gets a star for being my most hated actress. I quite enjoyed the first "Princess Diaries" movie. She was young, cute, innocent and good at playing the dorky, quasi funny-looking underdog girl...sweet and endearing. Then she got older and insecure and felt the need to unnecessarily flash her boobs in every movie she could, thus rendering her cheap, immature, and classless in my mind. I don't want to see your breasts, I want to see you portray actual human emotions. After that, her ravenous publicity team and agents started selling her as this gorgeous, sexy bombshell when in truth she is little more than a marginally attractive musical theater geek with too many teeth. She stole Emmy Rossum's know, Emmy Rossum, the stunning, multi-talented, and classy version of Anne Hathaway that everyone should know but doesn't because she doesn't flaunt her privates or have a monolithic team supporting her (which was given to Ms. Hathaway by her producer father and Broadway actress mother, of course). Hosting the Academy Awards?! Are you kidding me?! Playing Catwoman?! YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING. If droopy-faced Anne Hathaway is Catwoman, then I am the reincarnation of Elvis.

  Emma Stone:

I really want to like Emma because she comes from humble beginnings but she is too much too fast. She's everywhere. Her career is just beginning and I'm already tired of her. On top of that, I don't like seeing the same relatively blah actress over and over and over again basically playing the same blah character. Emma, you're not fooling anyone; just because you have a different hair color in every film does not mean you are actually playing a different character. She is a one note actress and that one note is flat. I know everyone loved "Easy A" (I loathed it...turned it off after 20 minutes of no laughter) and despised "The Help." She did her job in "Crazy, Stupid, Love" but was miscast...she looked ghastly compared to Ryan Gosling; horrible, horrible, horrendous looking couple. I felt sorry for her; an actress never wants to have a co-star that makes her look dead. Sorry, she's going to have to show me something interesting in order to get off my hate list.

Channing Tatum:
First off, I simply hate his name. Channing Tatum? What real person has a name like Channing Tatum? It's a clearly made-up, pretentious tongue twister. Tatum Channing? Acceptable. Channing Tatum? Idiotic. Who thinks this wooden neanderthal is good looking? He looks like he's one chromosome away from Down's Syndrome. His acting clearly exemplifies this as well. If I wanted to see meathead jocks performing, I'd watch the NFL. He belongs in a locker room, not a movie. He is a good example of all the dancers, models, athletes, singers, etc., people who are not actors, that still have prolific film careers even when everyone knows they are mediocre actors. The only people who would disagree with this opinion of Channing Tatum are 15-year-old girls with irrational hormones and gay men.

"Check out my abs, bro."
 Miley Cyrus:
I really don't need to go into detail about this. The child looks like DOMO, can't dress to save her life, and has absolutely no talent. Why do I see her everywhere? Isn't Hannah Montana over? Does she have a job? Her father should beat himself.
Miley Cyrus

Jessica Biel:
Another young actress who felt the need to slut it up to shed her good girl image after "7th Heaven." So lame. She certainly has a great figure, but again, when watching what I feel should be the respected artistic medium of cinema, I could seriously care less about seeing an actor or actress nude or semi-nude. It is of least importance to me. I want to see them act. I cannot say I have ever seen Jessica Biel perform with any amount of artistic depth, which makes me question why she is so popular to producers beyond her gams. However, being that she does have a toned bod and minimal talent, she is a perfect candidate for female action stardom, which is what I think Hollywood is grooming her for. However, I can tell that she desires to be a real actor, you know, respected, which is highly unlikely, and it's just irritating when actors don't understand their type and thus act more deserving of the A-list than they truly are which she is repeatedly guilty of.

Seth Rogen:

How did this:
Van Williams, the original Green Hornet
                                                                Turn into this?:

Seth Rogen, the Green Hornet's murderer

Yeah, um, I'm kinda over the fat Jew phenomenon. Seth Rogen is the short, less witty version of Jason Segel. I swear, I'm changing my last name to Cohen because as long as you're Jewish and have a hint of a sense of humor in this town, you are basically guaranteed an illustrious career doing whatever the hell you want. Do not read me the wrong way: I absolutely love Jews, I would almost exclusively date them if they would only date me. However, it does bother me that Hollywood seems to be one huge good 'ole Jewish boy fraternity where as long as you're male, Jewish and claim to do stand-up, you can star in fifteen flicks a year and get any retarded script you write produced. Such is the case with Mr. Rogen. I mean really, "The Green Hornet???" Come on, people. You might as well cast Eddie Murphy as the Green Hornet. That was the nail in the coffin for me. He was semi-charming in "Knocked Up" but once I witnessed them playing favorites with this blubber-voiced screwball casting him as a superhero I was done. Hollywood won't produce a film with a black Cleopatra but they'll waste $120 million to see this loser fart around as a crime fighter. Hate him.

Robert Pattinson:
I am almost sure this hollow-fleshed fairy is actually a vampire because he appears to have no soul. Every interview I see him in not only is he completely fake and scripted, he is one of those actors who accidentally made it big from one role and then feels entitled to his massive success. Just because you win the lottery doesn't mean you deserve to be rich. He is lucky, very lucky and eventually, unless he can put his ability where is ego is, he will fade away. He does not seem to have the kind of face that will age well...very squinty with that tiny mouth and baby teeth. I think I might like him if he played more charactery, supporting roles; drug addicts, pedophiles, homeless youths, etc. If he can find some humanity inside himself, I think this line of characters would be his only key to survival in the business. I simply do not see his weasel face as being suitable as a heartthrob leading man. But then again he doesn't have the talent to do any real character work anyway. In every frame of "Twilight" he looks like he's desperately trying to hold back explosive diarrhea. He'll be gone in 10 years, no doubt. If he's not, I'm moving to Omaha.

Emma Roberts:
She has the same crooked face as her father, although I can admit that she's much more attractive. More remains to be seen. I find it disappointing that the most interesting actor in the Roberts family is in fact Eric, yet his violently overrated, horse-faced sister has been being rammed up our butts for the past 20+ years. Emma Roberts' introduction to Hollywood is based purely and solely on nepotism, something that I simply can't respect. I am not saying she has no talent, as I don't think she's done enough to prove that one way or the other, but because her family, i.e. Julia, has an infamous history of sucking yet being lauded as brilliant, I cannot help but assume that she is probably worthless as a true artist.

Please not another bass-mouthed Roberts female
The Hemsworths (Chris and Liam):
Which one is which? The gay younger one I think is that one that dates Miley, so he's clearly on my hate-list just by association and I think it's Chris who played Thor. It annoyed me to no end that they had to dye this man's hair blond in order for him to play a Norse god. Really? There were no qualified, hot young natural blond actors who could've played Thor?? And he was terrible. Furthermore, I don't know what the hell is wrong with Natalie Portman these days (Thor AND No Strings Attached?) but she was not supposed to be in that movie and her agents should have told her that. Sweetheart, you are A-list, have been since you were 12 and should not be miscegenating with miscreants like Ashton Kutcher and Chris Hemsworth. I am almost convinced that Chris Hemsworth and Channing Tatum are the same person. Might as well be, they both suck the same.

*Note: My current crush, Alexander Skaarsgard would have been a superb Thor but because he is my very talented and intelligent crush, naturally he is too good for such fodder and obviously knows that a movie like "Thor" is beneath him.

Michelle Williams:

She is clearly just as dumbfounded as I am that she was cast as Marilyn
I have hated this girl ever since she walked on-screen in "Dawson's Creek." I don't know what it is about her, but the sound of her voice grates my nerves. It's like her lips get stuck in her teeth or something and she insists on continuing that airy, little girl voice routine. She seems to always be playing a character, even in real life, on the red carpet and in interviews. The character is this quiet, shy, deep, bohemian type that's soft spoken and talks to butterflies. B.S. Her baby daddy was a depressed drug addict, so I highly doubt she is all cotton balls and fairy dust. (Btw, I loved Heath Ledger, it's always the good ones that die while we're stuck forever with the losers) And what's with every single role she plays she's nominated for an Oscar? It's like Hollywood wants to wrongfully bestow her with all the accolades that Heath deserved but wasn't able to claim. They take pity on her. Michelle Williams is not Heath Ledger and does not and will never possess the talent that he did nor does she deserve any sort of special treatment because she had his child. Stop trying to make her out to be some great legendary actress. She's not. She's BORING just like the secondhand stores she shops at. She has absolutely no charisma or charm. In every film she is monotone and sleepy. And don't even get me started on "My Week with Marilyn." I don't know who has been lying to this girl, but she looks absolutely nothing like the incomparable Marilyn Monroe. Not with that nose she doesn't. Nor does she possess an iota of her allure. Michelle Williams should not have played Marilyn Monroe for one very basic but major reason: Michelle Williams is not sexy. A woman who is not sexy cannot play the biggest sex symbol of all time. Period. The movie did not work for this very reason and nominating this person for an Academy Award for such a performance is insulting the audience's intelligence. Oh and also, Hollywood just needs to stop making films about Marilyn Monroe altogether. No one will ever be "good enough" to play her because she is simply too much of an icon to emulate. Especially not Michelle Williams.

Sam Worthington:
"Man on a Ledge." Does this sound like a riveting blockbuster droves will race to go see? Absolutely not. This film title is just as boring as every Sam Worthington performance I have ever had the misfortune of watching, which is probably why the producers made the enlightened decision to cast him in this bomb. Ever since "Avatar" my poor eyes have not been able to escape Sam. They are forcing us to accept this Aussie as the next big action hero. No, thank you. No matter how many Clash, Smash, Wrath of the Titans movies you make, I am not going to be a fan of this short, fat-headed, freckled-faced cadaver. Please go back to Australia and make bad Aussie theater based on the life and times of Steve Irwin.

Ashton Kutcher:
Yesterday it was announced that Mr. Kutcher was cast to play the late founder of Apple, Steve Jobs. Yes, the applauded star of "That 70's Show," "Dude, Where's My Car," and the classic, "The Butterfly Effect," is going to portray the most important technology intellectual of the last century. Nevermind that he looks absolutely nothing like him and let's completely ignore the fact that he sucks. Steve Jobs is spinning in his grave. I had never even watched one single episode of "Two and a Half Men" and I knew that casting Kutcher was a horrible choice. Replacing Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher? Why don't you replace the kid on the show with a pet rock too while you're at it. Replacing anyone with Ashton Kutcher is a bad idea unless it's Justin Beiber on "Punk'd." The only thing that Kutcher is good for are fart jokes, beer pong, and playing pranks on celebrities. Poor Demi for being silly enough to marry this buffoon. I do have to say, he is model hot, if he hit on me I would certainly bat a lash or two, but as far as being an admirable artist...give me a break. He's eye candy. That vacant, dufus grin of his is enough to render him useless in anything but late night comedies. He should've gone away after "That 70's Show" but he bought himself a few years and some cool points by marrying Hollywood royalty. Smart one, Kutcher.

*Note: I would've loved to have seen Christian Slater replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and Half Men" since they both have that drunken loser factor going for them, but hey, what do I know...

Jonah Hill:
Jonah Hill used to be my favorite fatty Jew, back when he was actually fat. He pissed me off when he actually accepted that Oscar nomination for "Moneyball." If I were him I would've been embarrassed. Yes, "Moneyball" was a good movie. Yes, he was OK in it. I can't say good because it is not hard for a fat, privileged kid to play a fat, privileged kid. Not impressed. I understand that he wanted to get in better shape for his health, which is a beautiful thing, but I now have no idea where his place is in this industry. We needed a funny fatty and he filled that void. Now he's just this ex-fat, awkward, loose-skinned dork that looks like he belongs in a tax-preparer's office, not having me pay $14 to watch his melting face on a fifty-foot big screen. He's not a leading man, he's not a character actor, he's not the lovable fat guy...who is he then? Unemployed. But he can always fall back on his trust fund (being Jewish) so I'm sure next year he'll be winning an Oscar for some Apatow-produced, Woody Allen-inspired film he wrote.

Andrew Garfield:
Andrew Garfield, British actor
I liked this person in "The Social Network" and was looking forward to him playing supporting or character parts and watching how he'd develop as an actor. Then Hollywood took the retarded leap of making him Spiderman which automatically makes me hate him. Tobey Maguire was a perfectly wonderful Spiderman and I was not prepared to see anyone else play Spiderman for at least 20 years. The fact that 5 years after the 3 installments (three!) of the Maguire "Spiderman" movies they are already rehashing the character just pisses me off. Really? Could you gouge any more money out of us from this franchise? My God, you people have no shame. And this kid looks like a rat, not a spider. I hate his face, of course they're going to try and make him some sort of hearthrob (yuck) and of course, naturally if it's a superhero flick it is required to have a hateable actress as the lead love interest, in this case, the inescapable Emma Stone, who is going to be just as pale and forgettable as Kirsten Dunst was in the original films. I already hate this actor and these movies and they haven't even come out yet. Now that he's playing Spiderman, he probably won't ever be able to realize his true calling: playing Splinter in the new "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movies.

Lea Michele:

If she tried any harder she'd pop a blood vessel
This vain little rodent is the perfect example of why I have a strong aversion to musical theater people. Always sing-songy, always posing, always over-enunciating, always happy, always ON. The world is their stage and all the people in it are merely the back-up chorus to their leading numbers. She's always acting cutesy when she's clearly a fame hungry prima donna. She stinks up every red carpet with her shameless over-posing; squinting her beady eyes and pouting her duck lips in an attempt to look sexy. It never works. I tend not to trust people whose upper lip is too close to their nose and she is no exception. Although I can say that she was well cast for "Glee," I hate the show and her, which is appropriate, since for the most part I hate musical theater, even though I greatly enjoy theater and singing. I truly hope she goes back to Broadway after "Glee" ends because I do not want to see her impish little limbs in any major motion pictures. We already have a short, cute Anne Frank type and she's more talented: Natalie Portman.

Now I know all my criticism may sound really mean, but you shouldn't feel bad for laughing and I shouldn't feel bad for being true to my nature. I'm a wacktress; therefore I'm a lover and a hater. We wacktresses love, admire, and cherish all people for their unique humanity and yet hate them worse than disease when they leave us a bad tip. And we are certainly all bitter about any famous people we view as not being better than us who in fact, as far as their business success go, actually are. Hence, we must bring them down to our levels and dog them like the big agents that come into our restaurants do us, who instead of discover our burgeoning talent, yell at us for not getting their salads right.